What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

In the second grade, I wrote the all important essay on what I wanted to be when I grew up.

On a brown piece of wide lined paper, in pencil, I wrote:

“When I grow up I want to be a hair stylist and make $25 a week. If that doesn’t work out I guess I’ll be a plain old mom.”

Well, guess what? The hairstylist thing didn’t come to fruition and I turned out to be a plain old mom.

Being a mom was always HUGE on my list of what I wanted to be. And I knew when I had kids, I wanted to stay home with them. What I didn’t know was that being a mom 24/7 for 30 yrs wouldn’t always feel fulfilling and I would yearn for more.

In high school, I found my love for writing in my English and journalism classes. Seeing my name in a byline in the school paper was amazing. Part of me thought I could take that further and be the next Barbara Walters. Why not dream big right?

When I got to college I became very unfocused on my education and very focused on my social life. I didn’t appreciate the choices I had and the opportunity to get a degree. I loved my writing courses but classes and my grades were secondary to BOYS.

Then I met THE boy and the rest, as they say, is history. We married within a few months of falling in love and within the year I was pregnant. We were thrilled. We were both still going to school and he would be graduating soon. In our anxiousness to get our of our college town and into the “real” world, we left after graduation. He had his degree. I had my future as a mom.

30 years later, after more education for him, and many more babies for me, I fulfilled my destiny to be a plain old mom. And I don’t regret a day of it. I know it has been a complete privilege to stay home and raise my family. My kids are my greatest joy and the biggest pain in my butt. But now at 53, with one kid left at home, my mom role has changed. I am not needed in the way I used to be. So, if I’m not a full-time mom, then who am I?

I had aspired to do other things, besides mom things, throughout the years. Realizing I was really good at having babies and having really good birth experiences, I dove into childbirth education. I did a certification program, taught a class in my home and at the YMCA. I loved it but didn’t pursue it for too long.

I also had a love of makeup and fashion. I joined not one but two different direct sales make up companies. I loved the makeup, hated the sales side of it. Then another time I did a diet program I loved and became a health coach. I loved the program for myself but did not love trying to sign others up. And then, I found blogging and for awhile rediscovered my joy with this blog. I met some new friends and rediscovered a bit of my voice. But life, teenagers, anxiety and depression, and moving a few times, derailed me and that hobby got neglected too.

Then last year, I went bigger with the goals. Deciding I had no marketable skills for a job outside the home, I took a 6-month medical assistant certification course. I loved it. I studied and worked my butt off in a class with students half my age. I learned I loved needles oddly enough. And I was good at it. I got the highest score in the class on the certification exam. And then, after graduation, I had a decision to make.

I wrestled with my desire to stay home with my last two boys and work full time, or even part-time. I had never had a real job and my anxiety and doubts kicked in. I was too old. I had no work experience. What if I got hired and didn’t know what I was doing? I did some job interviews but got no offers. I’m sure they could sense my fears. I still feel some shame for not using the skills I acquired and worked hard for.

I’m choosing to look at all these as “career” attempts as learning and growing experiences. I gained so much from my MA certification especially. I did things I thought I could never do. It helped me see myself in a new light, and gain a lot of confidence. And for that alone, I have no regrets.

All these experiences have brought me back to this. My first love. The writing. Sharing my thoughts on paper. I’m embracing it as a gift that not everyone has. And since I have the blessing of time now, it’s a gift I’m finally going to pursue. I am doing this for me and no one else.

Okay, I take that back.

I’m doing this for that mom out there like me who doesn’t know who she is anymore. I want to say to her it’s okay. It’s okay to try things and fail. It’s also okay to not love anything more than being a mom! But if you feel that itch, take the time to look inside and find your passion. Read, take classes, watch tutorials, make friends outside your comfort zone.

As my therapist once told me “you’re f….ing awesome”. I think I’m finally starting to believe it.