Why My Son Has Green Hair

My 15 year old son has green hair.

Before that it was pink with dyed with colorful flowers.

And before that it was half pink, half purple.

What I tell myself is I don’t care anymore. He’s the youngest of six. I’ve been parenting for 29 years and I’m tired.

But of course, I care. I care about his health, mentally and physically. I care about his heart and if he’s kind to others (he’s not when he plays video games. We’re working on that). I care about his goals and what I can do to support him. What I don’t care about, is his hair color.

I wasn’t always this cool of a mom. My oldest daughter tells me things I use to say and I cringe. I had expectations for my kids. I had expectations for how we looked and behaved as a family. I had “dreams” of how their futures would be.

My husband used to say he wanted each kid to learn a musical instrument and participate in at least one sport. Those were our goals for our kids. Was that too much to ask or expect?

We pushed the piano lessons like crazy. There were some tears (mostly mine) some practicing, and lots of recitals. And five of the six actually still enjoy the piano and have some skills. The green-haired son does not. He just didn’t like it, didn’t practice, and didn’t understand the rite of passage to play the piano. I finally gave up. I released the control. I quit forcing him to do it for us.

In the last 20 years we’ve done horse riding lessons, dance lessons, voice lessons, gymnastics, karate, jiu jitsu, soccer, basketball, swim team, wrestling, boxing, lacrosse, musical theater and choir, just to name a few.

And guess what? The kids eventually quit doing all those things. They never made it to the Olympics or even college with any of those activities mastered. They still turned out to be amazing adults with interests as varied as their personalities.

Yes, we need to require things of our kids and there needs to be consequences for unwise choices. But what I’ve discovered is those consequences often come naturally and they are not always mine to be doling out.

I have made so many mistakes. I tried to emotionally strong-arm my kids at times. I used to get so stressed about their grades, their late-night procrastination of homework etc… I finally learned that those are not my consequences to stress about. It was their grades. It was their decision to be who they wanted to be.

You stayed up too late? You’re going to be tired.

You didn’t study for your test? Well good luck!

You have a big project due tomorrow? Have fun with that! ( okay yes, I made some late night runs to get poster-board. I’m not a monster).

I used to care what others thought of me as a mom. My kid’s performances reflected on me, didn’t they? After much therapy and maturity, I try not to care what anyone thinks. Especially what they think of me as a parent. I have learned my worth as a mom and nurturer to my kids. I have loved my kids, fed them, read to them, cried with them and in private for them. They didn’t need another coach or teacher, they needed unconditional love.

I have learned what things really, really matter and what things don’t. The sixth kid gets to benefit from my tiredness and wisdom. I often hear from the older kids, that I would never let them do the things the younger ones have done. They’re right. I’m much less uptight and parenting is so much easier.

So Jared, who is almost 16, has green hair. He doesn’t play any sports but he loves his skateboard and bike. He doesn’t like the piano but he owns an old electric guitar that he’s learning. He does lots of stuff around the house for me. He loves his friends. We love watching scary movies together. He has a quick, quick wit and makes me laugh every day. He is unapologetically himself.

So would you let your kid have green hair?

Younger, uptight me would probably not. Why do they need green hair? Now I can’t think of a reason why not. I love parenting at age 53 and wish I would have discovered this freedom a lot sooner.